Growing up as a child in Benjamin Creme’s Maitreya Cult
Disclaimer: This is a personal diary report on my personal experience — it is not intended to ‘bring down’ or boycott anybody or any organisation. As far as I am concerned, everyone can do and believe in whatever they wish, and so they should. However, I do believe in open discussion and allowing for freedom of choice by giving others access to all perspectives.
With my writing, I want to give others the information and perspectives to make the choice they authentically-to-their-true-selves want to make – a choice which I was not given myself due to not being presented with any other point of view as a child and young adult learning from those around me. I personally feel that the current legal structures which can sometimes be structured to take away people’s freedom of speech to discuss these matters, is part of the societal, systemic problem that we face in our spiritual groups. I dream of a future with better, more balanced, legal remedies for those who have been ‘spiritually’ abused, but which simultaneously cannot be used to oppress someone for their beliefs (as happened in China and Russia.) For me, that would help lead to a purer form of spirituality than any I have been taught. I want a sprituality truly based in love which cannot happen under thought systems of control. I don’t see how the world can become a better place for all life if we have corruption and abuse within our spiritual compass.
I would like to explain my mother’s background to understand why she joined a cult, and why, as her only child, this was my upbringing. My mother was born in 1946 and grew up in a tiny apartment block near the centre of communist Budapest. She and her parents were crowded together in one room, living in poverty. They would argue daily. Her mother beat her physically every day and her father had become chronically ill after my grandmother had been hiding him in a damp cellar so he could avoid the persecution of the Nazis (since he was Jewish). When my mother was only 17, her mother married her off to a French man, so she would be able to leave the communist-controlled country. My mother then lived in great poverty in Paris, barely having enough to eat, and then divorced him. At one point, she moved to London, where she has stayed ever since, eventually marrying my father.
My father was born to a middle-class family with both parents who had fought in World War II. They were also relatively dysfunctional as a family, in that his father was always very cold with his two boys. My father is a good man, but he is ‘damaged’ in that, in his own words, he is ‘unable to feel joy.’ My father’s mother had become a numbed-out alcoholic since she was in an unhappy marriage (she overcame this in her old age after my grandfather died). For this older generation, divorce was frowned upon, and alcoholism would have been the only escape.
During the cult happy 1970s, it is of no surprise then that my parents, along with the rest of their generation, were desperate to find a better way of life. Some of them were trying to create utopias and communes under the guidance of various charismatic cult leaders. So, when my mother saw Benjamin Crème’s advert in the newspaper that ‘Maitreya is now in the world’, for her, it was a call that spoke to a deep sense of a need to belong and to feel as if there is a purpose for being here. This was felt by many of her generation who joined spiritual cults, as they were searching for something radically different from the war-torn misery of their parent's generation. Looking back had I not known what I know now, and had I been in their shoes, I might have joined in also! Who, I wonder, is not consciously or unconsciously looking for ‘belonging’ and the love we seem to have lost?
These articles provide more in-depth background as to what I am referring to: (http://littleatoms.com/waiting-maitreya / https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2010/11/29/are-you-the-messiah).
His group was harmless in an outward way, but for me, unfortunately, it was not harmless. It was harmless outwardly in that there was no physical abuse, because I can tell you that Benjamin Creme absolutely believed everything he was saying and his intentions were good towards all groups of people inclusively. He really wanted to help save the world for all people equally. Cults become harmful outwardly when the leader is doing what he is doing for self-interest — and that was not Ben.
Nevertheless, some measure of harm will always sprout in unexpected places, when there is:
a) a single spiritual or idealistic authority locking people’s minds into a static and codified fantastical ‘truth,’ that they have determined for them.
b) the dynamic of isolated peer pressure to conform to a set of ideas or an illusion, even though it has not come from one’s own internal feelings.
c) the assumption that the energy experiences they are having in their bodies during the meditations, or in other mystical experiences, mean that leader is right about everything (I do not know why we do that but we do.)
My life is just proof of that type of harm, whether I like it or not. Mostly, the children always get the worst of this kind of thing, because they do not have psychological defenses. Maybe that is why the children of cults need to be the ones to point out what is going on.
This group, thanks to Benjamin Crème, were all utterly convinced that Maitreya would appear in messianic form and save the world in 1982. So, she thought it was a good time to have me. My mother indoctrinated me daily into Benjamin Crème’s extremely elaborate ideas. I was also surrounded by mountains of Alice Bailey’s dark blue bound esoteric books from the Lucis Trust. My childhood living room was smothered in piles and piles of Share International magazines, and that is all I knew.
Children’s brains are always in a certain brainwave state of ‘alpha’ rather than the more analytical brainwave state of ‘beta’ which adults have, and as far as I understand, this means that everything goes straight into the unconscious and is accepted as ‘truth.’ That is why I understand what is it like to have your vision and mind literally placed in a ‘box’ out of which you look from. It is all unconscious and yet this does great harm. As the reader most likely knows, this happens to all of us, but in a cult, the damaging result is much stronger, especially if it happens to you as a child.
Both my parents were part of his inner circle transmission meditation group that took place at his house, so perhaps I was far more indoctrinated than other children of group members, who only had one of the parents involved, while the other parent did not agree. There were regular meetings at Ben’s London home where they would sit doing ‘Transmission Meditation’ — they believed they were helping to save the world with their meditation. They believed there would be a ‘Day of Declaration’ where everyone would hear a voice in their heads which would be Maitreya revealing himself to the world (this would be after he had appeared on television several times — that is why people thought that Raj Patel was the Messiah in 2010, as described in the New Yorker website link above).
My mother worked her little girl up so much about Ben’s ideas being the solution to the world’s problems, that naturally, I was enthusiastic about it as an 8-year-old. So, once at school, I thought it would be an excellent idea to insert a piece of paper in everyone’s grammar exercise books informing them that ‘Maitreya is in the world.’ Suffice to say I had no other children to relate to and I was excluded. The school told my mother, and instead of realising the issue, I remember she felt proud that I had done this. Generally, I grew up alone and bullied.
When I was very small, I often found myself having attacks of frustration for one reason or the other. I was bewildered because I was in pain, and I did not know why. I called out to my mother for help, but she regularly refused to come to me, so that I eventually developed a trauma. The energy of it was so strong and violent I was often seized up in a ball unable to move. This was a regular occurrence. The more she ignored me, the worse it got. This made me even more desperate and go into a state of shock.
I felt invisible. That has been a pesky feeling etched into my being, that I work with, even today. She always told me she loved me. She also met all my physical needs, but if anything that I was going through triggered her fear or threatened what she thought was in her interests, I was on my own. In general, what I experienced was invalidated by her, and still is today. I now understand this to have a name Traumatic Invalidation.
“Traumatic invalidation occurs when an individual’s environment repeatedly or intensely communicates that the individual’s experiences, characteristics, or emotional reactions are unreasonable and/or unacceptable. Invalidation can be especially traumatic when it comes from a significant person, group, or authority that the individual relies upon to meet their needs.”
My father was absent during this time since he was and still is a workaholic. They divorced when I was 14. He struggles with understanding social relationships and has been a very unhappy man. He feels that if he were to stop and work on himself that he would be buried under a storm of emotion, and he wouldn’t be able to work. He tells me he will do it in 2 years when he retires, so I am still waiting and hoping some healing can happen for him. He has helped me, but only in times of great danger and desperation, and he really has been the only one.
To this day, she still believes the Day of Declaration will happen, even though it has now been more than 10 years since Ben told everyone Maitreya had appeared on television. I feel sad that I cannot reach her, but also angry. Another feeling I have struggled with in my life is a tremendous feeling of heartbreak and betrayal, as I try to reconcile the love I feel for others and what has happened. Again, I have passed through many ‘rings of fire’ in healing these feelings and have risen like a phoenix — or at least that’s how it felt, and yet the healing journey continues.
This new leader managed to poach many people from Benjamin Crème’s group. My mother would take me to the ‘darshans’ when I was around 18. Other members of the group encouraged me to join at different times. Initially, I trusted this new leader because I had trusted my mother. I also wonder, though, if it is the traumatised, but sensitive people that get trapped the most into cults as they look for ‘that something more’ to fill the gap that was left.
I gradually experienced various ‘brainwashing’ processes over some years which locked me in very badly, and then I was stuck — and that is where the real damage happened. Eventually, I uncovered evidence of rape and abuse in this new organisation. I then took on a role in publishing video testimonials of young boys who were raped. Their testimonials are yet to be noticed by the public, but happily, I have seen a recent trend of abuses in spiritual organisations being revealed more and more. There was a recent BBC documentary a few days ago, revealing abuse in the Sivananda organisation. This is not just my story, it is actually a pattern the entire world is experiencing, and yet is still relatively blind to.
Although the Bhakti Marga group I was involved in through my mother’s group, is not well known, it IS spreading insidiously to the unsuspecting public around the world, and it will be of interest to Londoners who visit the Hale Clinic in Regents Park. I have spoken to investigative journalists who aim to put what I found, on the German version of the BBC (it is based in Germany). It is possible they may publish part of it.
I did try to raise awareness with Benjamin Creme’s group leader, so that she could warn those in the group, but she ignored me. My efforts at trying to tell the group, in general, have fallen totally on deaf ears. That was the moment I realised that they were not quite the justice touting people I thought they were, growing up. I admit, I do blame the current Share International inner circle group for not issuing an internal email and public warning about allowing Vishwananda to influence their group members. I blame them for what I personally see as hypocrisy — for not embodying the values and understandings they claim to have, and it has made me feel deeply betrayed and less hopeful about their purported mission. As you know, I am an encyclopaedia of esoteric ramblings— Alice Bailey herself said: “Oft too the Dark Brother masquerades as an agent of light, oft he poses as a messenger of the gods.” It puts all their pontificating about sealing the door to evil to shame.
When I discovered all this some years ago, I went inside myself and effectively ripped all my related conditioning and ‘brainwashing’ out. That is quite an experience! It is a physically painful experience and I had to do it in stages because it is too overwhelming to do it all at once. I believe this is the reason why many people in cults may not face the truth, even in the face of clear evidence. I have personally experienced the rather jarring ‘zombie-like’ reaction of those in cults. If you have experienced it also, you may not need to be afraid, angry, or hurt by it. Just understand that the belief system has become their identity, their survival, and their source of perceived safety. To break beliefs down would be to enter a perpetual feeling of being in danger for the unconscious brain.
This is all unconscious — people do not realise it happens to them as it is not a conscious choice. But it is still a choice, and if we want to do it right, I feel we must respect everyone’s choice, while still opening up the conversation around these things.
My theory for the physical response would also be that the stress response system in the amygdala is triggered in many complex ways. What was thought to be the source of safety, is now not safe, and the experience of ‘cognitive dissonance’ kicks in. I believe the stress response triggers the release of painful stress hormones that lead to physical symptoms in the body, which I have experienced directly. I cannot see how too many people would be willing to put themselves through that, and the brain will have many protection mechanisms in place.
During the years past, I used to collapse on the floor or suddenly lose energy. I was diagnosed with narcolepsy without cataplexy, but I doubt it was that since I have now healed it in myself. Instead of the common anxiety response, this was my brain’s solution to my situation in which I felt there was no escape and no support. This was an adaptation of my brain to survive what it encountered. Occasionally, if I encounter a stressful situation, my body will still react with sleepiness.
I know the corporate world is probably not where my gifts to others are to be realised, but I continue to search for my place and still remain lost career-wise to this day (so far! still trying). I do attribute that to my upbringing and to the feeling that, at university, I had to study how to ‘share the world’s resources,’ instead of what I love to do or maybe what would have been a more practical subject.
When dangerous things happened to me in my life, I found little support or protection from those in my family, or around me, and so it was less painful for me to find a way to do everything myself, rather than face the pain of lack of empathy. Eventually, through my effort and research, I succeeded in healing myself. I am now married, and in a very happy relationship. I failed many times before I arrived here, and I would not have achieved that without that self-awareness and determination to keep trying again.
Despite all the misery, I have been connected to nature and wonder all around us, and that has always brought me joy. I feel through self-awareness, and growing awareness of human behaviour, we can turn historical pain into a great lesson and adventure in discovery — and we will know that this is real, as opposed to an unproven belief system, because we will have the evidence of success, free of a single authority holding the monopoly on ‘truth.’
